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It took her two days to go from “I will be in your city” to “By the way, would you be open to having sex with me?”

To her credit, she didn’t take my reply of “You’re kidding, right?” the wrong way.



Some Female Online Friend just sent me a message.

“Hey Secretgeek, sorry for not e-mailing you in a while. I just wanted to let you know I will be in [Secretgeek’s Home City] this summer, and by the way it’ll be my birthday then. Hope you can show me the city and celebrate with me!”

We’re talking about a woman who, when asked about her hobbies, replied “lots of sex”, which she added was “natural” for a Latina like her.

This is either going to be a big dud or an interesting couple of days.


Wilma contacted me today. By email. Let’s just say she is not my favorite person in the world, but, like the polite person I am, I read the mail. It consisted of many, many paragraphs of her telling me all about how horrible her husband is. Still the same guy she married years ago. He’s jealous (gee I wonder why), mean, sometimes violent.

“So, why are you writing to me,” I replied.

The answer came five minutes later. “See, I have this six years old PC and I don’t remember the password or how to change the settings, and you know all about computers. Can you help me?”

I may have been very explicit when I told her what to do with her six-years old computer.

Sarah contacted me out of the blue. I think I haven’t talked to her in eight or nine years.

She said hello, and asked for my photo, which I sent her.

She said “You’re cute, Secretgeek!” and inquired whether I was married with children by now.

After I said that I wasn’t, she stopped replying again.


It’s a magic, whimsical life I lead.


“You wouldn’t enjoy dating me – I am bisexual.”

Yes. Yes, you are right. That would be terrible and I could not stand the mere thought of you making out with a lady.


Work is so tedious, so utterly boring I want to throw myself out of the window.

Yeah, people are really okay there. But I have literally nothing to do. My boss is a complete incompetent who basically hired me without understanding what it is that I am doing, nor knowing what he actually needs. Even what he thought he was hiring – he doesn’t actually need.

I now have a noisy upstairs neighbour. And by noisy I mean that they leave nothing out – slamming doors, jumping, moving chairs without lifting them, running around, running up and down stairs, and – to top it all off – they have a dog that likes to bark a lot. The only bright side is that they actually better themselves. The dog is now much quieter, and they don’t run around nearly as much anymore. All it took was some diplomatic feedback from my side. (“The next time you are loud past midnight I will come up and yell at you. Wouldn’t it be much better if you stop the noise and we get along?”)

Speaking of neighbours – do you recall my next door neighbour lady? No? Well, Two years ago, she invited me to spend some vacation time with her. What I didn’t know at the time was that she is actually married to another neighbour – which makes that event even weirder.

Interestingly, they actually keep renting two apartments. And a few weeks ago, the neighbour lady mentioned to me she is “sleeping in this [next door to me] apartment for a change” and she’s asked me several time to “come over for a coffee and chat”.

Not being as dense as I might have once been, I still wonder what the hell is going on there. After coming up with excuses at first I finally agreed to visit her one Saturday. Had a couple questions lined up that would help me understand their situation without being too nosy. And, well, the day we agreed to meet she wasn’t home.

She hasn’t bothered to ring at my door yet to apologize for – essentially – standing me up, but I suspect this is not the last I have heard of her.

Geeky Girl: “Hey Secretgeek, I was thinking we could meet up.”

Secretgeek: “Sure! Have anything specific in mind?”

Geeky Girl: “There’s this computer event I am going to with a guy friend, but it isn’t a date so we could meet there too.”

Secretgeek: “Errr…. Sure? When and where?”

Geeky Girl: “Monday, I’ll be there all afternoon.”


I sense a lot of enthusiasm in this one… I don’t think I can be arsed to show up for that, though I am not sure how to tell her nicely.

Came across this okCupid profile. Gotta be a joke… Right? RIGHT?


Boy I hope this is a joke.

Instead of turning tail and running, the girl and I talked things over. No interest at all from her side, she says. But she wants to stay friends. Haven’t heard that before…

Oh well. At least it’s settled.

I decided that the best approach to getting over my current crush would be disengagement, after all. So I stayed away from the game, didn’t sign into Ventrilo, and went to bed early instead of talking to the girl. Lasted about one day. When I woke up the next morning, I had four messages on Skype. I decided I couldn’t be an asshole and answered a question she had.

“Thanks,” came the reply. “You know, I missed you last night.”

We then ended up talking for about twelve hours, with some small gaps in between.


My friend Carina, to whom I vented some of my frustration about my current situation, said “So, be a home wrecker.”

“I can’t do that,” I exclaimed.

“Why not? And I mean this as a serious question.”

This took me aback. Clearly, it was obvious why I couldn’t do that, wasn’t it? But I know Carina, and she did expect an actual answer.

“It would be a dick move to try and break up someone else’s relationship.”

“And how does that attitude benefit you? Clearly, she is into you to some extent. If her relationship is solid and happy, you can’t break it anyway.”

As always, Carina had a point. Yet, still, …no.

“This way, I can still look at myself in the mirror.”

“Suit yourself. If you did it my way, you could be looking at a cool girlfriend instead of yourself.”


Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Above all else, to thine own self be true, as the immortal Will put it so succinctly. I know what must be done, I just don’t quite know how to go about it without being an asshole.


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