Bad day today, and not really because of anything specific. I am feeling old, cranky, and did I mention I am feeling old? It’s been one of those moody days where you get up on the wrong foot, then something reminds you of something you had already almost forgotten, and then you spend the whole day with your mind solidly focused in the past. 1995-past. 1998-past. Even 2002-past and 2007-past. And then your thoughts return to the present and you realize, bloody hell, not only has life not improved, it’s gotten worse. And then, as if that wasn’t enough, I realized that I am now at an age where I really have to worry about my timetable. Kind of like women who suddenly realize they’re 30 and still haven’t reproduced. Yeah, I am now over 30, just that as a guy I care less about having a little version of myself, and instead worry about quality of life in general. I’ve been stuck in the same type of life for the past 10 years, doing the same thing, having about the same standard of living, and so on, and so on.
I really, really do not want to be stuck in the same miserable excuse for a life when I hit the big four-oh.
Sure, I’ve had some good times, but today I seem to be seeing the downsides: I’ve dated some smart and sexy women – but none of those relationships worked out. I’ve traveled four continents – but what good did that really do me? Now I am still stuck in my home-country. I live comfortably – but I still live from one month’s salary to the next, my saving being negligible in the grand scheme of things. Ten years job exprience, and none of it is truly noteworthy (I am good at what I do… but so are a million other people. Ask me about looking for a new job in the midst of a global financial melt-down someday). And sure, I’ve accomplished some things, but – no, wait, that’s the core of the issue, I haven’t.
So, yeah. I am feeling really down today and there’s not even really anything I can do about it. In the long term, maybe – I’ll have to think long and hard about it. But there’s nothing I can do right now. I am sure as hell not going to rush out and buy a sports car, no matter how traditional that “solution” is.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.