Things that annoy the hell out of me, in no particular order:

People who turn on their cellular phones three seconds after the plane’s touchdown. Look, you idiots: I don’t care who you are. And I care even less who you think you are. Just leave your overly complicated man-vibrator in your pocket for ten more minutes. The world will not end simply because you’re not stroking your phallic tamagotchi. Your life, your company, human civilization, the weather, and the hamster that keeps wordpress.com running will all be perfectly fine. Incidentally it’s a violation of air traffic security regulations and could theoretically land you in jail.

People who call others while on the train, simply to say they’ll “be there in five minutes”. Dude. You’re doing it all wrong. You call someone to tell them that you will be significantly late. Or to confirm or reschedule an appointment. You do not call someone if you will see them in person in five minutes anyway. We understand that you’re a Real Man and as such need an extra penis in your hand, because you obviously got none where it belongs. And we’re all really proud of you for earning enough money to afford a mobile phone. Here’s a hint: It’s not any cooler now to make loud, pointless calls on the train than it was to talk on your “portable” 2kg-phone while walking your dog in 1987.

Guys picking up the flight attendants. No matter how nicely she smiles at you, she doesn’t really care about you. You are a customer. She is a service person. She is most likely not interested in you any more than I am. But your verbal vomiting insults my ears, and her intelligence. And that’s saying something – this is a flight attendant. Besides, she’s already getting fucked by two guys with six digit incomes – the pilots. Sure, she has to take turns with her coworkers, but you still don’t have a chance. Oh, and, here’s some additional advice: Calling the airline’s hot line to ask for the flight attendant’s phone number because you were too fucking chicken to ask yourself will not work either. Believe it or not, they won’t give out personal information about their employees.

Super-VIP demands at the gate. You got a frequent traveler card. You got mirrorshades. And you got an attitude. Guess what, you’re still subject to all the regulations. You won’t get a magical upgrade to business class simply because you act like a jerk. You’re not going to make the plane depart faster by your complaints. And if the plane is full, they will not kick anybody else off just because you decided you’d rather fly an hour early. If you have any kind of request, you can ask nicely. They’ll probably still decline you all the same, but you’ll avoid making an ass of yourself – and I won’t be as tempted to make you eat your ‘shades.

Brats and their kids. You’re traveling and you got children. No problem. And everybody will understand that kids cause a certain amount of chaos. But I wish that airlines would just jettison people who failed Parenting 101. Without a parachute, of course. If your kid is kicking against my seat, you should intervene. And don’t give your baby child a noisy toy on a four hour train ride. Maybe the toy mobile phone’s ring won’t disturb you as much as the kid’s need for attention does, but it frays everybody else’s nerves. You’ve got a choice now: Either you take the toy away from your child, or I will. I will be a whole lot less nice doing so, and the toy will most certainly not be returned intact. There are ways to silence most every toy. And some of the more creative ways will also silence you at the same time.

…what can I say. I’ve been on the road lately.

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