Geeky Girl: “Hey Secretgeek, I was thinking we could meet up.”

Secretgeek: “Sure! Have anything specific in mind?”

Geeky Girl: “There’s this computer event I am going to with a guy friend, but it isn’t a date so we could meet there too.”

Secretgeek: “Errr…. Sure? When and where?”

Geeky Girl: “Monday, I’ll be there all afternoon.”


I sense a lot of enthusiasm in this one… I don’t think I can be arsed to show up for that, though I am not sure how to tell her nicely.

Came across this okCupid profile. Gotta be a joke… Right? RIGHT?


Boy I hope this is a joke.

Instead of turning tail and running, the girl and I talked things over. No interest at all from her side, she says. But she wants to stay friends. Haven’t heard that before…

Oh well. At least it’s settled.

Talked to a friend, and, since’s a geek like I am, advised him against purchasing a video game I thought was bad.

“But the videos of the game looked awesome,” he said. “Very promising. Did you see them?”

“Yes, but I tried the game and it sucks. Got a refund this morning.”

“But trying it doesn’t mean you know how it plays and what features it has.”


Days like this, I wonder why I still have any sort of hope for mankind.


I still have sources: I just got a call that the guy who did fire me was himself fired this morning – with immediate effect. That makes two out of two. Incidentally, this was the same guy who had been sexually harassing female staff.

I’d love to know if my reporting him did, in the end, have an effect; but of course I will likely never find out. I’ll just assume that, in some small way, I have been a force for good, and I’ll let myself feel warm and fuzzy for a few hours. You know – enjoy it while it lasts.

I decided that the best approach to getting over my current crush would be disengagement, after all. So I stayed away from the game, didn’t sign into Ventrilo, and went to bed early instead of talking to the girl. Lasted about one day. When I woke up the next morning, I had four messages on Skype. I decided I couldn’t be an asshole and answered a question she had.

“Thanks,” came the reply. “You know, I missed you last night.”

We then ended up talking for about twelve hours, with some small gaps in between.


My friend Carina, to whom I vented some of my frustration about my current situation, said “So, be a home wrecker.”

“I can’t do that,” I exclaimed.

“Why not? And I mean this as a serious question.”

This took me aback. Clearly, it was obvious why I couldn’t do that, wasn’t it? But I know Carina, and she did expect an actual answer.

“It would be a dick move to try and break up someone else’s relationship.”

“And how does that attitude benefit you? Clearly, she is into you to some extent. If her relationship is solid and happy, you can’t break it anyway.”

As always, Carina had a point. Yet, still, …no.

“This way, I can still look at myself in the mirror.”

“Suit yourself. If you did it my way, you could be looking at a cool girlfriend instead of yourself.”


Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Above all else, to thine own self be true, as the immortal Will put it so succinctly. I know what must be done, I just don’t quite know how to go about it without being an asshole.

This is probably not the most “amusing” sort of post, but I feel that it keeps me honest: Since I stopped drinking sodas, I lost 15kg (33.07 lbs). Went to a checkup a week ago, and my doctor not only immediately noticed it, she says the values from my blood test are massively better as well.

I am no longer out of breath after two flights of stairs. My pants don’t fit anymore – they are too wide. I had to punch new holes into my belts. Shirts that were once a good fit are now somewhat loose.

So… how long is this going to take?

Even now, I don’t normally mention my actual weight. It’s just too sad and embarrassing. But I figure, nobody here knows me, right? I can be honest with you guys. So how much does Secretgeek actually need to lose?

Of course, that depends. According to BMI, I should lose another 45kg. That, however, seems unreasonable; it would bring me to ~80kg which I don’t recall ever weighing after my teenage years. I decided that I will settle for a two-digit weight, i.e. 99kg or less, and add some wiggle room. Make it 95kg (209 lbs). That means I have 30kg (66 lbs) to go. Ignoring any inevitable slowdown, that in turn means another 6-8 months.

I can do that.

Putting it into perspective

I’ve now lost 10% of my starting weight, and will end up losing 45%+ once I am at my target. 45kg (100lbs) is as much as a small dishwasher. It’s 450 bars of chocolate, or more than four average car tires. That’s insane. I can’t imagine strapping four car tires or a dishwasher to my back and lugging them around, but that’s what I am doing every second of my life.

Could someone please tell me how this madness started? Why the hell did I let myself become fat?

Tonight, after a lot of talking and getting convinced that this lady is actually as cool as I think she is, I was just pondering of how to broach the subject of meeting up somewhere, when she mentioned “oh by the way, I should probably mention this: I have a boyfriend I live with”.

Err. Okay.

I’ll go back to being lonely, hopeless, and bitter now, thank you very much.

While I search for a new job and enjoy my life, I have picked up playing an MMORPG again. (No, it’s not World of Warcraft.) Anyway, I was a member of a guild there for a long time and discovered that I had not been kicked despite the long inactivity.

About two weeks ago, one of the Guild’s officers asked me whether I would be joining them for their annual guild meeting. I told her that I would like to, but couldn’t justify spending a lot of money on a trip while I was unsure of my professional (and thus financial future).

“Too bad, Secretgeek,” she said, “because then we could have the sort of conversation we have had this week, in person.”

Needless to say, I did not think anything of this.

The Plot Thickens

So the guild meeting came and went and I didn’t go there. After her return, the officer told me it was “too bad you couldn’t come” and “did you see the photos yet? They are on our forums. Guess who I am.” After I had identified her – there were only three women at that event – she asked me to guess her age. I declined (“Never guess a lady’s age”), so she told me; she is quite a lot younger than I am. “But I really find I can talk to anybody of any age,” she added.

Another day she asked me to guess where she lived. I did work it out, much to my pride.

Needless to say, I did not think anything about any of that, either.

That kind of changed a little when we had a voice chat (on Ventrilo, a voice conferencing software used by the guild) and she sent a link to a fantasy book, as an example of what she reads. I was still reading the synopsis on Wikipedia.

“What do you think,” she asked.

“Sounds fun,” I said. “I can see myself reading something like this.”

“Yes, but what do you think of the illustration?”

This I had not expected. I looked at the image – a sleek dragon. I realized I did not know what she did for a living. Illustrator, perhaps? Unlikely but not impossible.

“The dragon is cool,” I replied truthfully.

“I’m glad you like it,” she said. “I had, of course, an ulterior motive for asking – I basically have that dragon as a tattoo on my back.”

….Hang on a moment!

Why would this woman care what I think about her tattoo? One, I might add, not visible on any of the photos. That is, it is completely covered by clothing.

I started to sense something was amiss, though I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it.

She subsequently asked whether I would be at the next meeting (which has not been organized yet). I agreed that I would.

As you may know, I am really not good with subtleties, especially when it comes to boy-girl type interactions. I asked a friend (Carina – she and I still stay in touch after those many years) for help, and she swears the woman is interested me to “some extent”.

“She is Swedish, right?” asked Carina. I agreed that she was. “Well, in Sweden, they don’t really have a dating culture. You are just friends and then – poof – you turn into boyfriend/girlfriend.”

She Likes Me, She Likes Me Not, She Likes Me, She…

For the past few days, we have had a semi-lively private chat going on while in the game. Sometimes, I feel like she is trying to flirt with me. At other times I feel like I am completely wrong and she is just being friendly. I also have no clue whether she is single or not, though Carina says that “if she were in a relationship, she would have told you by now, the way you two have been talking to each other”.

I had first noticed the lady in question a long time ago, before my hiatus. I never really talked to her much until I returned. Normally, I would shy away from this situation like the Wicked Witch from water; not only is there a considerable age distance, there is also quite some distance involved.

However, this woman would appear to be “tailor made” for me – from my admittedly still limited data, she is everything I’d look for in a girlfriend: She is a geek, extremely smart and very well educated, I really like her attitudes about things, she is a gamer, “not a party person at all”, her English is impeccable, she has a really cool voice, and to top it all off she is also quite pretty.

It seems like every time she talks about herself, my reaction is “cool – I like that about her”. There are a few things I do not care much about, but overall she is so much my sort of woman that I have started to wonder whether I fell into a parallel universe.

I’m feeling kinda lost

The worst problem is, I really don’t know what to do about it. I have been engaging her in conversation, but the reactions are always a bit mixed. I mean, she replies, but as I said I sometimes get a very “friends” vibe from her. It does not help that this is all text chat – voice conference chat is (mostly) reserved game talk.

I can’t ask her out. I can’t tell her, “hey I like you”. I don’t want to be pushy and I can’t even decide what her attitude towards me is. Yet at the same time, I am building up a stupid infatuation. As Sheldon would put it, setting myself up for “crashing into geek mountain again”.

Why can’t this sort of stuff ever be easy?

In early July, I posted about the quality of life improvements that were caused by the loss of my last job. Of particular note, then, was that I had lost 5kg (11lbs) of weight, mostly due to no longer consuming sugary sodas.

I am very happy to report that I hit a new milestone today: I have now lost a total of 10.6 kg (23.4 lbs).


The best part is, of course, that I don’t actually do anything for that. No exercise regime, no forced diet, nothing. Even went for pizza with a friend on Saturday. It will be interesting to see where my body finds a new balance. Will it be a good weight, or still be too high? Looking at what I eat, I am not really sure what I can do if I am still overweight once the natural weight loss stops, but let’s wait and see what actually happens before worrying about it.


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